Playing for Keeps
by BeyondWords
Summary: Completed 2.03 Edited 8.06 IY finally got over Kikyo and chose Kagome, but a couple of years later, he doesn't tell her the brutal truth. Will their relationship survive and will she be able to forgive him?
1. In the Name of Love

Welcome, everyone! I wanted to work on my other stories but you see, something horrible happened and I'm very sad. I have in some ways exaggerated what happened to me and in some ways I was unable to put in other things that made the situation feel much worse. I don't own Inuyasha, ok?

**Playing for Keeps**

**Pt 1: In the Name of Love**

"_Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this. You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps. Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this. You know I want to, but I'm in too deep. … I can feel your eyes go through me, but I don't know why."- In too deep, Genesis (yes I know it's not a new song, but it's a good one!)_

This is just not the future that I had expected. Naturally, I had imagined some possibilities, but this was not really one of them. I guess that I am suffering solely from my failure of imagination… Yes, I had thought about it, but I had not expected it to happen in real life. I did not really expect this turn of fate.

Here I am, Higurashi Kagome, high school student. I had finally begun high school while still managing to help my friends back in the Sengoku Jidai. We thought that we could find all the Shikon no Kakera and that I could finish the job relatively quickly, but again our expectations were off. There were so many factors that we couldn't take into account at that time… but it was more than just that. In many ways, I did not want to end the journey, although I knew that I needed to return to where I belong- to _my_ time with my family. What I did not expect was to become quite so attached to this other time, to my friends, to my dear Inuyasha…

Naturally, when he finally realized that he cared for me and that Kikyo was only his love from the past, I did feel somewhat sorry for her even considering what she had done to me. My heart was so full of love and joy for Inuyasha that I could forgive her anything. I had him and he had me- that was enough for me. At the same time, I was insanely happy that he had chosen life- life with me- over death in hell with her for eternity. Of course we did not know what would happen between us exactly as time dragged on relentlessly. How could we predict the future? No one else can, so we couldn't hold onto such ridiculous fantasies… We weren't even sure that we would be allowed to be together forever. But having known all that, why does it hurt so much now?

I suppose that I should have known that our relationship was doomed when I had to stay in my own time more to study and to go to class. The amount of information and the necessity of being in class increased much more than I could have ever imagined. No longer could I possibly stay out of school as much as I had been doing. Even as I stared out the window while taking a break and dreamed of being back then, I could not leave no matter how I felt- no matter how much I wanted to be with Inuyasha and to have him hold me in his arms.

When I would return through the well, he would smile and during those times when I could look into his eyes, I knew for a fact that he loved me. We spent time together and talked about everything. Sometimes he would be dense, but he was always somewhat that way. But as time dragged on and on, his smile did not always reach his eyes and I could feel that he was distancing himself from me emotionally... and it hurt like hell. Should I have said something to him about it then? Yes, I know that I should have, but I didn't... I didn't simply because I did not want to invade his privacy! Therein began the tensions between us.

We couldn't bring ourselves to talk about the unmentioned strain. After all, he hated it when I doubted him like I did before he chose me over Kikyo. Back then. he promised me that he would tell me about things that affected me. For this reason, I didn't challenge him on his silence. Intuitively I knew that he had something to confess. Despite all of this, he would still say that he loved me and act accordingly. I kept trusting and received nothing to vanquish my doubts. When he acted like there was nothing wrong, it hurt me more than if he had been more indifferent to me.

In the end, I was right… but I didn't want to be right. There _was _something important that I needed to know, but he wouldn't tell me. I figured that after years of close friendship and love, that he would tell me when it became absolutely necessary After months of lies, he finally decided to tell me the truth about what else he had been doing when I was gone. At that time, I was so glad that he was being even somewhat honest with me that I just did not press him on a couple of things that didn't make sense. Why should I have questioned him? He loved me. He would come back for me…

Flashback to three days ago:

"I'm so sorry that I've been away, but it was necessary. So much was happening," he looks away," and I just could not involve you in it. I apologize if you felt neglected. That was never my intention. I only want to make you happy. You were so busy with school and stuff… how could I burden you with such things? "

He touches my face gently with the back of his hand. _Yes, this is the real him- he is no longer hiding from me!_ I catch my breath and almost overflow with shining tears of joy.

Smiling softly, I break the silence and grab his hand with both of mine. "Inuyasha, I'm so glad that you told me where you've been. I was worried that you didn't really care about me anymore… but I suppose that was wrong. I still wish that you had told me. I can handle disturbing news- I would like to be there for you, to offer my support- no matter how horrible the news is."

He opens his mouth but words do not come out immediately. "I guess that I should have considered that. Perhaps I should've said something…" He gets lost in a few moments of introspection. Being patient as ever, I wait, but he doesn't make a move to say anything. Instead, he puts his arm around me and cuddles me close to him as if to comfort himself. He buries his face in my loose hair and sighs.

Slightly annoyed that he broke off the conversation, I decide to press him further. "Looking back on it, dear, why did you come back to me, Inuyasha?"

He sets his chin on top of my head and bites his lip. After considering my question, he stutters out, "Um, I did… because I love you." He whispers the last part and then with closed eyes, he turns me around to face him and pulls me into a tender embrace. My doubts are quelled as he gently puts his lips to my own. _Oh Inuyasha, my love. How could I ever have doubted you?_

My conscious mind begins to think- _but Kagome, he did not explain why he didn't just tell you? Should you forgive him this easily?_ Mentally I pout. _Hey; shut up. Can't you see that I am a little busy? But wait,_ the voice says, _should you really forget everything that he put you through without saying anything more? Don't you remember all those nights of tearless sobs of frustration? Are you sure that you should still accept him so completely? _With everything that is in me, I ignore the voice.

The silver-haired hanyou holds my head in his hands as he moves closer to me and looks deeply into my eyes as if transfixed by my gaze. Slowly and almost reverently, he moves even closer and presses his warm body against my own. Shivering with intense happiness, we sit down on the sweet green grass. Slowly, he puts his arms around me and runs his fingers through my long black hair. In response, I reach out and play with his soft, white hair. With his eyes closed, he purrs in contentment and nuzzles me with his nose. "Oh Kagome- you know what? You smell so good."

Playfully, I pull away from him and smile. "Oh I thought that you hated my smell, baka!"

He grabs me and pulls me, still not facing him, into his lap. Huskily, he whispers in my ear teasingly. "I told you, silly girl- I was lying." I smile to myself for a moment before turning my head and curving my neck so that I can kiss him on the cheek. I snuggle closer into his warmth and enjoy the masculine wild smell that I always find on him. Suddenly his arms crush my torso into his chest. "Kagome, it has been so long." He pauses and quivers before speaking in such a tender and almost painful hush. "Kagome, honey, I love you so much. How can things still be like this?" He lies down and tenderly pulls me down next to him on the fragrant carpet of grass. With a sigh, he smiles at me as I look up at him through the shiny veil of my hair. Pulling me closer, he puts his head on my shoulder as I rest my head against his strong chest. He speaks passionately into my hair. "Oh I missed being close to you like this. So long…"

Suddenly, a bit of anger rages in my heart, for these are not the words that I want to hear_. He is supposed to miss me completely, for who I am, not just being close to me physically! Besides, he could have chosen to reconcile with me at any time! This is his fault so how dare he say that he missed me when he acted as if he didn't really care if he saw me for the most part! _ I tenaciously chastise him. "Well sheesh, Inuyasha, you didn't exactly help me out, did you, dear!" I can tell that he opens his eyes, but he just nods his head.

"Are you angry with me, Kagome?" He sounds slightly uncertain as his hold on me trembles.

I consider the question for a moment. "I should be… I really should be furious… but I forgive you, Inuyasha. You wouldn't lie to me… you kept important things from me, but you wouldn't lie to me, right? You apologized for what you did and so if I can trust you this time, there is no reason to question you more. That is if I should trust you? Should I not?"

He swallows hard. "Yes, well of course you should."

I smile sincerely, but in the back of mind, I remember to wait and see how he behaves. _I should, should I? Well it would be lovely if it was that simple! Still, I guess I will give him the benefit of the doubt. He never did understand how to take the easier route when it came to interpersonal relationships. I hope that I will not regret this decision…_ "Well, if I can trust you, that's all that I need to know. I just hope that you will trust me enough to tell me everything that is truly important and that affects me, as you told me that you would." He nods and begins running his hands up and down my back.

Suddenly, he gets up on his hands and knees and hangs over me. "How can you still love me this much? I'm amazed that you have put up with me for so long." A warmth burns in his eyes as his gaze holds my own. "What would you give up to stay with me forever? Do you want me to always be there for you no matter what you want to do with your life- no matter where you want to live? Do you want me to be there to support you throughout everything? What would you give up Kagome, if it was possible?"

_Oh Inuyasha, don't speak the closest, most insane dreams of my heart. I don't know if I can stand it. _As I look up at him, I fear that my eyes will tell the truth. Wide-eyed, I try to hide from his probing eyes. His hands gently, but firmly grasp my shoulders and do not allow me to move away from his intense gaze. I look up at him again, but do not keep eye contact.

His voice grows deeper and becomes husky. I can feel the reverberations through the air between us and I shiver despite myself. "Yes, what would you give to have me with you forever and ever… to have me belong to you and you to me. I would even worship whatever god you want to worship or if not, I would not be in the way of your faith. Even if you chose some job that I hated, I would be supportive- miko, teacher, mother- anything… I would be there for you." I close my eyes and try to hold back tears. "Open your eyes and look at me." He shakes me and holds me down as I try to get up and squirm away. "No, stop! Open your eyes and look at me… now!" At his commanding tone, I obey and I feel my heart betray my mind. He smiles and his voice goes quieter with a conspiratorial tone. "Your eyes betray you." Then he bends down and allows his hungry lips claim my own.

_What I like best is how close I feel to him when we lay together like this. I can almost feel his thoughts. We are one to some extent and during these moments, it seems that nothing could ever destroy the special bond that we have. Still, I cannot deny that something feels slightly wrong right now. I just hope that it is only my overactive imagination. Why am I thinking at a time like this? I need to focus on Inuyasha, my first love. Yes, we have something special... something worth forgiving for, worth the pain and worth saving…_

20 minutes later…

We both stare into each other's eyes. He opens his mouth to speak, but closes it because he does not know what to say. That's how it seems to me, anyway.

"Kagome… um wow, uh, thank you." His golden eyes are peaceful since his need has been quenched. "I cannot believe that happened. I hope that you can forgive me."

I smile as warmly as I can muster although my mind is still spinning. "I told you yes didn't I? It's ok; I told you. I did not expect to do that, but it was done out of love. I cannot imagine anyone else that I would rather share that with other than you." He blushes, nods and looks away from me.

A slight breeze runs through the trees. He sniffs the air and nods to me. "They are coming back soon."

"We should compose ourselves, you know? We don't want it to be that obvious." We wash ourselves off in the hot spring and get dressed again before heading back to the village, hand in hand.

When we get back, Kaede is waiting for the others. As I greet her, Inuyasha gets a darkened look in his eye. Her eyes darken in response, but she says nothing to either of us. She nods to us and steps back slightly. Meanwhile, Inuyasha nods to me and kisses me gently, but carefully, as if he were afraid to break the moment.

Pulling me close, he whispers in my ear. "I will always remember us like that, Kagome. I will never forget. I love you. I must go for now, but I will come back." His lips hungrily find mine once more before he turns and leaps out of sight.

I throw a shocked wave at his retreating figure and then put my arms around my chest. Suddenly, I begin to feel somewhat sick and anxious. I swallow hard and put my hand to my sternum in hopes of recovering. Kaede watches me from the small distance and I can feel her eyes on me. Still, she remains quiet, but obviously concerned. Suddenly, exhaustion also fills my body. Unable to conquer the anxious feelings, I head off to bed to lie down and hopefully shake off this horrible emotion that is brewing in my chest. I figure that Inuyasha will be back soon. _Yes, Inuyasha will return… and make me feel better. He has the uncanny ability to calm me… when he's not driving me up the wall._ Putting my hand to my lips, I savor the kiss. With a hopeful smile, I lick my lips and sigh. _I can still taste him… How amazing… but why am I being so sentimental? He will be back soon._

Back to narrated time:

Little did I know that he would not come back for two whole days. At that time, I desperately needed some reassurance due to the nature of the intimate act… but I did my best to understand his thoughts, to be understanding of his needs. Luckily for me, when I woke up bright and early the next morning, my fear had disappeared completely. I felt great except for the fact that I missed Inuyasha and that I felt somewhat lonely without him for a little while. But nothing could have properly prepared me for what was to come when he finally returned to me….

Hey that's the end of pt 1. Please review!

Anyway, stay tuned because we will see why Inuyasha ran away and took so long to come back and see her. In case you are curious, the next part is named Brutal Honesty. Brutal is the right word… anyway, please tell me what you think.


	2. Brutal Honesty

Here's Part 2 of this little fic!

Thank you's- lilcherryblossom- Thank you for reviewing. Yeah I know this story is messed up, but hey, so was what happened to me.

Previously on Playing for Keeps:

Little did I know that he would not come back for two whole days. At that time, I desperately needed some reassurance due to the nature of the intimate act… but I did my best to understand his thoughts, to be understanding of his needs. Luckily for me, when I woke up bright and early the next morning, my fear had disappeared completely. I felt great except for the fact that I missed Inuyasha and that I felt somewhat lonely without him for a little while. But nothing could have properly prepared me for what was to come when he finally returned to me….

**Pt 2: Brutal Honesty **

"An angel's smile is what you sell- you promise me heaven, then put me through hell. Chains of love got a hold on me. When passion's a prison, you can't break free. You're a loaded gun- there's nowhere to run. No one can save me; the damage is done- shot through the heart and you're to blame- you give love a bad name. I play my part and you play your game- you give love a bad name"- Bon Jovi, You Give Love a Bad Name

1 day ago:

_Inuyasha is coming back to me, tonight; I just feel it in my bones._ I smile sweetly and reminisce about the joyous lovemaking that we had shared. My face flushes red at the thought and I put my hand to my cheek. Suddenly, a bit of nervousness floods through my heart_. No, that's silly. Why do I feel nervous? He loves me; he knows me… better than anyone else. I should not feel this way. It's like that sickening anxious feeling I felt when he left me a few days ago. That horrible feeling froze my entire body for a few hours. I couldn't even fall completely asleep that night- but that doesn't mean that anything is wrong. No, everything is fine- there is nothing to fear. Inuyasha does love me; he will always be there for me and he will continue to protect me._ I shake off the feeling and smile in anticipation_. I wonder where he has been and what he has been doing. He's so silly sometimes._

That evening after dinner, Inuyasha walks softly into the village with his eyes examining the ground. He cannot meet my eyes, but just kicks a little rock on the ground. As I see him, I almost run towards him and kiss him hello, but I get a look at his face. Cold fear poisons my veins and my eyes widen in recognition_. How should I react? What on Earth is going on with him? _

"Um, hi, Inuyasha?" He doesn't respond right away, but just continues to stare for a moment. Finally, he nods. "Oh Inuyasha, what's wrong? Did I do something wrong?" I bite my lip in frustration.

In a very sad and tired voice, he says, "Oh no, you didn't."

Frozen to my spot, I manage to choke out, "Will everything be ok?"

He sighs and closes his eyes. "I hope so; yes, I really do hope that it will." _Oh goodness, I have never seen him quite like this before. It's more than a little frightening._ "Kagome, can we go for a little walk? I need to talk to you."

Suddenly spurred into action, I nod distractedly. "Of course, Inuyasha, just allow me to get my coat and I will be ready to go." As quickly as I possibly can, I ready myself and then turn to him to let him know that I am ready. He leads me away from the village, but does not speak. We walk in the direction of the forest, in the direction of the Goshinboku.

As soon as we are a decent distance away, he sighs heavily. "Kagome, I'm sorry about what happened the other day."

I cock my head to one side and smile nervously. "It's ok. I told you that it was fine. You don't need to apologize. You didn't stay away because of that, did you?"

He shakes his head and slumps his shoulders. "No, you don't understand, Kagome. It's not fine. It's not fine at all." He takes a deep breath. "Kagome, I have not been telling you everything recently."

"Yeah, Inuyasha. I am aware of that. I figured that you would tell me anything that was important- you promised me that you would. Don't you remember?"

"Yes, I remember, but I didn't tell you something."

"Oh it can't be as bad as you think, Inuyasha dear." He stops walking and flinches. "Or can it?" He nods to indicate that it is worse.

"Oh Kagome, I could not tell you. I don't want things to change; I still have problems trusting people and so I don't want them to be able to keep very good tabs on me. Therefore, I don't change or disturb the relationships that I already have."

_What is he talking about?_ "Inuyasha, things change as much as they need to."

His face scrunches up and he kicks another rock. "I can't believe how hard it is to say this to you. Oh, I did not want to hurt you… You see, the reason that it is not alright is that… I have been seeing someone else, someone new. It probably won't go anywhere, but that makes what I did with you really wrong."

_Oh my God… I cannot believe this. He has someone else. How should I react?_ In my heart, I automatically put up a barrier to protect myself and remain logical as I speak to him. "Oh, I knew there was something, but why the heck didn't you just tell me? I would have backed off. We never knew what would happen to us after the well was sealed and whether we could be together!" I pause and walk a few steps away. "I wish you had just told me… why did you keep it from me for so long?"

"I just don't know…" His voice trails off into the wilderness.

_What am I supposed to say to all this? Someone else… what do I really wish… to be with him, but what if that's not possible… shouldn't I love him enough to want him to find happiness with someone else? Wouldn't it be selfish of me to bind him like that? So, I will not feel and I will do what's best._ Purposefully, I turn back to him. "Inuyasha, I love you and I want what's best for you and for you to be happy, even if that it means you ending up with someone else." Slowly, I walk towards him. "If this was reversed, what would you be saying to me?"

With his eyes firmly shut, he whispers with a look of almost-pain on his face, "I would want you to be happy…"

Taking the conversation back, I continue. "Ok, yes you would. If it does go somewhere, it does. If it makes you happy, then that will be best for me." _If I love him, having that mindset would truly be best for both of us. It just doesn't feel that simple right now, but it will._ "What's best for me is to simply know so that I can act accordingly… all I wanted was to know. Nothing would have happened if you had just told me. Then you wouldn't have cheated on your new love."

He nods and follows me with a glum expression on his face. "I'm so sorry… Oh Kagome, I always knew that although I loved you… I knew that you would never be the one, the last one for me. I've fallen in love twice- with you and with Kikyo. The next time that I fall in love will be the last- if it doesn't work out, then I will cease to be as I am. I tried and I even wanted to pretend that it wasn't true. I thought that I could fall in love with you again."

I examine the ground and manage to croak out, "Do you love her?"

"Yes, I do. I'm not in love with her, though… not yet anyway. But I still love you… I gave more of myself to you than I've given to anyone else. I didn't want to let go; I thought I could make you happy. That's the last thing I remember before the period that I don't remember… my memory picks up again when I left you the other day. I don't even remember what I said or what I did, but I could still smell… and so I knew. We did make love, didn't we?"

_Made love indeed… all of this in the name of love. Forgetting everything in the name of love? Obviously it meant so much to him that he couldn't even remember it! What's this business about third love? What garbage- he's throwing excuses now and I wonder if he knows it himself._ Reprovingly, I whisper back. "Yes, we had sex, Inuyasha."

"No, I mean we made love. It may not have been me who was there… but my body was there at least." I narrow my eyes slightly. _That's supposed to be comforting? Ha!_ "I don't know why I can't remember but I do know this: I love you. I will always love you, but now…"

"Now things must be different." _Yes, things must change, but what is going to happen? Can I stand being around him now? Is he going to disappear from my life now? Will he be able to be around me? He looks horrible, as if this has been eating him alive since I last saw him and we… yeah._ "Hey… we will always be friends, won't we? I just want to be your friend and be close to you if that still is what you want. But- I will not be your friend in the past... we need to build new memories together- otherwise our friendship will never work. I still need to know the things that do affect me."

He nods. "Yes, I understand… you deserve the truth, Kagome. You are worth it." He stews in thought for a few moments and we walk in silence. The flinch returns to his face suddenly and he croaks out, "Oh on that note, there's another secret that I kept… Kagome, you weren't my first. She was; it was a couple of months ago." The tips of his cute white dog ears droop.

_What? Oh ouch. This hurts so badly- what other bomb will he drop on me? I refuse to feel for now. _"Oh, I see." My voice trembles a bit. "But did you really do that out of love? Did you really come back because you loved me?" I successfully fight back the threatening tears.

He reaches out for my hand, but changes his mind. "Yes, Kagome, I do love you. It was in the name of love; however, it was still wrong of me. I'm so sorry. I am so, so sorry. I don't know what else to say." _What does love mean anymore anyway? It's just a word- a word used to coerce and brainwash people. I was duped. I was stupid._

_What's just as bad in a way is that now I am in the way of his relationship with this other person. Sheesh- I don't want to be the other woman, the woman to be jealous of, the woman that the newcomer does not feel that they can replace in his heart!_ "Inuyasha, know this- I will disappear if I need to. I will not be in the way. I love you too much to want that for you."

He finally looks into my eyes. "I would never allow anything to happen where you would have to do that. I would never allow that to happen." _What does that mean? Oh well, at least he was honest with me. He loved me enough to tell me, as much as it hurt him. Still, I am going to feel this later- and it is going to hurt._

We arrive back in the village and neither of us knows exactly what to say… or how to say it. He murmurs to me that he has to go and I silently nod. Quickly, he pulls me into a hug and lightly kisses my forehead before he bolts. I do not even watch him go- instead, I stare in shock.

Back to narrated time:

Yes, I forgave him everything, whether I should have or not. I sounded and acted much cooler about the whole thing than I actually felt. After he left, I of course ran back as fast as I could- to a place where I could think. My heart was consumed with incredible pain. He probably disappeared to go be with her and… been comforted in her arms and her bed. As for me, I had no desire to go home and pretend that everything was fine and dandy- this is not fine! This was not fair- nothing about it was and I cannot keep deluding myself with that. Now, I do believe that my reaction was the best one that I could have picked… I did not lose it in front of him. I was mature about it. As is natural for me, I did not allow myself to feel until later. But I am lucky to have such wonderful friends here… I do not know what kind of state I would be in now if they had not been so sweet and supportive.


	3. Paradise Lost

**Pt 3: Paradise** **lost**

This chapter contains my poetry- one was about my 1st love that I wrote a couple years ago. It also contains one I wrote the other day about my second love, about this story. The fact that I may again be in the way of new love makes me sick. Anyway, they are pretty cool poems.

Paradise- lost- (1st love version)

Caught between the brightness of the future and the love I thought I knew-

I wander through our foundation crumbled and abandoned

There, bushes and dead roses greet my broken heart

Those crystallized moments we shared and prized-

Now lost into the unfeeling abyss of time

The memories fade, but the heart remembers…

Was it so long ago, prince of my enfance?

I could never be the beautiful princess you said you saw

Instead of the future we imagined, our innocent dream has abruptly ended…

Gray air and carbon monoxide penetrate into Eden-

Infiltrating the paradise

Lost to us now.

Us, the fallen- fallen out of love,

Will we experience the richness the world has in store?

In the distance, a path of green grass manifests itself-

My path to paradise

Regained except without you.

Once, our love was our paradise.

Surely our paradise is dead along with our innocence.

Far after the sweet night of confession by the spring lake-

The lake now dry with blowing red windstorms like the rungs of hell-

I can see it still in my mind while mountains block my mental escape.

Yes, time has passed.

Carpe diem became a thing of our past, not my present-

That state vanished for me… for lost lovers.

For you, a new path of green love new and unseen appears-

Dewy and healthy in anticipation.

You love what you want to love.

When you stop wanting to love,

Paradise is lost-

Regained only through love deeper still.

Good luck on your journey far.

Paradise- Lost (2nd love version)

Moments frozen in time for us to wistfully recall with warm smiles,

Holding on to the past with searing hope for a future,

I wander between my failure of imagination and what I already knew.

Having recognized, but not dealt with, this possibility-

My heart breaks as I find myself here… yet again.

Neither knew what would happen to us-

However, we did know that whatever came, we'd face it together.

Shining the bright, yet blinding light of truth after months of darkened untruth,

You finally loved me enough to trust me again.

But, all could be easily forgotten and lost from this time on.

Simple, yet important thoughts horded in your mind tore my heart-

And we began to destroy trust as we struggle with ourselves.

We poured gray air and carbon monoxide into Eden-

Entreating onto paradise

Lost to us now.

Us, the fallen- fallen in love,

Try to protect the special connection that we possess.

You, fallen in love with someone else,

Find yourself caught between old love and new passion.

In the distance, a path of green grass manifests itself-

My path to paradise

Regained except without you?

Once, our love was our paradise.

Can you tell me that our paradise is dead along with our innocence?

We are so far from the times we clung together.

Although I can imagine the happy beauty of the past in my mind and heart,

I do not wish to say goodbye, not forever.

My fearing heart wonders…

Will our friendship and closeness survive the destructive test of time?

Yes, time has passed; carpe diem a thing of the past, not the present-

Not for me, not for us, not for the lost lovers.

For you, a new path of green love new, passionate and more like you-

Waits dewy and healthy in anticipation when you leave my side with a hug.

Unaware you are, but know that

Love is stronger than you know.

Past love cannot be threatened by new, unless trust is broken and left unrepaired.

Once doubt enters the mind and bitterness and anger poison love,

Paradise is lost-

Regained only through love, trust and friendship deeper still.

As for us, I wish you happiness, luck, love and friendship.

Why do I?

You will do the same for me when the time comes.

Next and final chapter up soon- it's called Truth Revealed!


	4. Truth Revealed and Kiss Him Goodbye

Shoutouts at the end of the fic!

On to the conclusion…

Previously on Playing for Keeps:

Back to narrated time:

Yes, I forgave him everything, whether I should have or not. I sounded and acted much cooler about the whole thing than I actually felt. After he left, I of course ran back as fast as I could- to a place where I could think. My heart was consumed with incredible pain. He probably disappeared to go be with her and… been comforted in her arms and her bed. As for me, I had no desire to go home and pretend that everything was fine and dandy- this is not fine! This was not fair- nothing about it was and I cannot keep deluding myself with that. Now, I do believe that my reaction was the best one that I could have picked… I did not lose it in front of him. I was mature about it. As is natural for me, I did not allow myself to feel until later. But I am lucky to have such wonderful friends here… I do not know what kind of state I would be in now if they had not been so sweet and supportive.

**Pt 4: Truth revealed- Kiss Him Goodbye**

"You know I love you. I'll always love you even though the tears are fallin' from my eyes. I still remember baby when our love was so strong. So go on, go ahead and kiss him, go on and kiss him goodbye, goodbye, whoa goodbye." Kiss Him Goodbye, The Nylons

Right after Inuyasha left:

_He is gone, but I know that he will return someday... someday being the key word. Maybe he has gone to be with her, or maybe not._ I shiver as goose bumps appear all over my exposed skin. _This is not the way this was supposed to be!_ My vision begins to go slightly blurry, but I am not crying, not yet anyway. I am too shocked to break down and cry, but still aware enough to walk slowly to where my friends are waiting for me.

As I step closer to them, I notice that Shippo and Kirara are not there. _They must be off playing somewhere… good for them._ The thought of light-hearted play weighs heavily on my heart and I sigh in an attempt to take pleasure in their happiness. Sango and Miroku both hear my exhalation and look at me with concern. I try to smile at them, but I completely fail. Half-hearted, I wave in greeting and sit down.

Sango and Miroku look at each other and nod. He smiles at me gently. "Kagome-sama, what is troubling you?"

"Are you alright, Kagome-chan?" _Oh they are so sweet, but I just do not know if my mouth will form the words. What can I say that could express how I feel at this moment? Will they understand? No, I cannot drag them into this; this is between Inuyasha and me- Sango and Miroku would not want to get involved in this messy affair._ In my heart, I ironically chuckle at that use of words_. If they only knew… if I could only tell them the truth… I know that I cannot._

I plaster a fake smile on my face. "Hey guys, yeah, don't worry about me! Everything is… ummm." My bottom lip trembles. "fine." I whisper out the last part. _Fine, fine, fine- liar! I am such a liar regardless of my intentions, just like Inuyasha- his actions were full of lies hidden under the guise of trying to be kind and of trying to keep everything as it had always been. The same- yeah right- he took my virginity in the name of keeping everything the same? Liar!_

Miroku whispers something to Sango, but I do not pay attention. She exclaims, "No, I don't know if that is really a good idea. Do you really think it will help?" The houshi nods and jogs back to the village. Meanwhile, Sango moves closer to me and puts her arm around me. "It's ok, Kagome-chan. We will protect you; everything will be fine." _There's that word again- fine! Why does everything have to fine all the time? Still, it feels good to have Sango put her arm around me. It does feel comforting._

"Oh Kagome-chan, what happened to you? I wish that you would tell us. You need to say something otherwise you won't heal." Miroku appears carrying a couple bottles of fine sake. Sango narrows her eyes at the bottles. "So from whom did you steal those, houshi-sama?"

He looks offended. "I did not steal them. I have been saving them for a special occasion. This seemed as good as any." He shrugs.

"She has probably never tasted alcohol before!"

Miroku nods. "All the more reason to let her taste the good stuff first!" Sango sweatdrops. His eyes soften. "Sango, she needs to heal. Remember- you agreed to this course of action." She nods and sighs.

"You're right; I did. I also hope your bright idea works, houshi-sama." She softly croons to me and helps me to sit up on my own. "Kagome-chan, sit up please. Drink this. You'll be able to relax a little bit."

Miroku hands me some and after a few minutes, I have gulped down a couple saucers full. "Sake? Sheesh, this is better than that stuff that Jii-chan drinks sometimes."

Sango looks surprised. "You've had some before?"

"On my eighteenth birthday…" I haltingly laugh. " But isn't it my week for vices?"

The houshi and the taijiya look at each other. He opens his mouth, but she shakes her head no so he won't ask. Instead, he offers some sake to Sango, who sighs but finally agrees to have a couple of sips, but no more. Miroku takes a sip and looks at the two of us. "What are you thinking about Sango?"

She shakes her head and waits a minute before she answers. "I was thinking about my family, about my father and Kohaku- and how I need to avenge them."

He smiles sadly. "You miss them, don't you?"

"Yes, I do… I can't help it. I just can't do anything for them. Kohaku doesn't even know who I am, let alone anything about father…"

"I understand. I feel your pain, Sango. I miss my father too- I wish I remembered more about him. I know that we'll find a way to save Kohaku…"

"He's not Kohaku, not anymore. I don't know what he is, not really. He's a puppet! Kohaku is dead!" As she talks, I am unable to stop tears from warmly coursing down my cheeks, but I do not sob. They notice, stop talking and kindly hand me a handkerchief. Taking it, I blow my nose as they silently watch me.

_I disturbed their conversation; maybe I should have gone somewhere else._ "I'm sorry."

Sango sighs and breaks out her sadness. "Kagome-chan. Why are you sorry- you have done nothing wrong."

Unable to hold everything in, I lay it out on the table. "You are wrong, Sango. I did everything wrong; everything is wrong. It's not ok; nothing is fine!" They give me sympathetic looks and ask me to tell them with their eyes. _Should I really tell them? Will they really understand and not think that I am a slut? I guess I need to take that chance._ "Oh my gosh, you have to promise that you won't tell anyone about this; I would die if anyone found out." They solemnly nod. "You see, Inuyasha and I, the other day something happened between us and then he disappeared until tonight. I was happy afterwards, but … I'm not happy now. I know what I did not know before- it was wrong- and I didn't even know how wrong it was! How was I supposed to know? What a mess this is!"

Miroku looks at me. "But he is your boyfriend and you love each other, so if you both meant whatever it was, why should there be a problem?"

I laugh. "If only it was as simple as that, Miroku-sama. Nothing is simple anymore." My mind clears a bit for a moment. "I'm not making sense, am I? Oh I suppose you deserve to hear the truth so that you can understand. Well here goes." I take a deep breath. "We have been messing around for the past year and this was the first time that we actually… umm well yeah you know."

Both Miroku and Sango's eyes snap open really wide as they nod to acknowledge that they understand.

"But, you see, it's not just that. Tonight," I choke back a sob, "Inuyasha took me for a walk and finally told me the truth about a lot of things. He had been lying to me for half a year or so! I had known that he wasn't telling me everything, but he promised me- he gave me his word that he would tell me everything that was important, everything that affected me- and he broke his promise to me." I look at them and they sit there and wait. I take another couple little sips of the beverage before I continue. "He has someone else- they have been together for a few months and if that wasn't bad enough- she was his first; I wasn't! He knew about her, but he still did that with me in the name of love! He was my first and in the name of _love_, he deceived me! He doesn't even remember making love to me as he called it- now I wouldn't want to pollute the phrase with such rubbish… he only knew from the smell. It meant so little to him that he forgot everything! I bet he remembers losing his virginity to her!" I take a deep breath.

Both of them hold their breath in amazement. Sango breathes first. "Kagome-chan, um, I don't know exactly what to say. I have no idea why he forgot- it seems a little strange to me. I hate to say it, but maybe he does remember, but just doesn't want to tell you that he does so that he doesn't have to be responsible for his actions." She is quiet for a moment. "Why didn't he tell you about her sooner? You asked him about that, didn't you?"

I slap my leg. "Yeah, but secretly I hope that he did forget and that it was him who was there with me when he says it was only his body." I yank on my hair. "About his deception, I asked and he said that he didn't want the relationships that he had to change." Rage stirs in my heart. "That is such an amazing copout! How dare he try and make me feel sorry for him? This was his fault- all of it. He didn't want to hurt me- baka baka baka!" I clench my fists and grind my teeth together. A moment later, I relax my shoulders. "What did I do instead? I played the happy little martyr- just let me know and allow me to share in your joy… What was I supposed to do anyway? So as a result, I was so calm and understanding! Oh Inuyasha, you'd be happy for me if the situation were reversed, wouldn't you? Oh and to that, there was that lovely little no-I'm-uncomfortable-with-this-question-voice- I'd want you to be happy! It sounded as if he didn't mean that at all! What a selfish pain!" I take a moment to breathe and then I thoughtfully sigh. "I think that he would have preferred it if I had been angry."

Miroku sighs. "It'll be alright, Kagome-sama. I can't imagine that he would really forget, but I understand why you'd want him to remember. Either way… what he did was wrong and so he deserves what's coming to him."

I nod and remain silent for a moment. "You guys, do you think that he really loves me? It wasn't… I wasn't used, was I? He at least loves me- that wasn't a lie, was it?

Miroku shakes his head. "We don't know him exactly the same way you do, but I believe that he loves you- he loves you enough to tell you the truth, even if his reasoning was seriously questionable."

I nod softly. "Yeah I hope so."

Sango puts her head to one side. "Did you ask him who she was?"

"Oh, no, I didn't actually. You see… I didn't really want to know the answer." I look off into the forest. "He left… left to go see her I bet. To have her comfort him and love him- I am not good enough for him as I am… Now, I am in the way of their relationship. I wonder- will she feel threatened by me as I was threatened by Kikyo? No, I cannot allow that to happen again." I pound my fist on the ground. "I told him so- that I would never get in the way and that if I did, I would leave him and never see him again even just as a friend. He told me that he would never allow that to become necessary, but I don't know if I can believe him considering the circumstances." With a sad heart, I sigh again. "Still, I never was sure that he and I could stay together after the mission was completed. Now I do not need that answer- the question is obsolete… like me. I suppose that I should feel free, free of the burden, free of the questions… free to live my life without worrying about him."

Sango hugs me to her for a moment. "Kagome-chan, you will never be obsolete- not to us, not to anyone. You are already as much as you'll ever need to be… you just need to find the strengths and cultivate them for yourself." I give her a hug and hold on tight. She gently strokes my hair. "More than that, would you take him back even if he had left her for you tonight? Would you have been comfortable with that? Would you be happy? I hate seeing you so down- we all do."

I pull back and wipe my nose as I consider the well-thought-out question. "No, I could not take him back after what he has done. In his heart, he is a two-timing jerk who cannot make up his mind. I do not know how old he is, but I guess that you cannot teach an old dog new tricks. He certainly loves his old tricks, though." I narrow my eyes and sigh.

Miroku shakes his head and cautiously smiles. "Kagome-sama, you deserve better- a better man than he evidently is. He wronged you and you will find someone else who is right for you. Still, the first love is never forgotten; it is special." Sango questioningly looks at him and he blushes. "So I have heard… I have never lost love before." They look at each and then both look away.

I half-smile at them and nod. "Yes, I have heard that too, but I never knew what it really meant, not really… not until now. You are right- I deserve better than this; I cannot accept this. Sheesh, I put up with enough garbage from him only to receive more." I shake my head in frustration. "No, I cannot abide by a boyfriend or eventually a husband who would cheat on me and lie to me, regardless of the list of reasons that he gives me to justify his actions. Still… I do hope that we can be friends, real friends again."

Sango places her hand over mine. "It will all work out, Kagome-chan. If he doesn't want to be friends and if he is just going to hurt you more, then it is not worth the trouble and you will be better off without him. I really hate seeing him hurt you like this. It's time to let go- and I know that you know that. We will be there for you and we will help you along the way. Remember this: there is someone else out there for you, someone who is right for you and you, him. You don't have to let go of your love for Inuyasha, but just love him as a friend and be prepared no matter what. You just can't depend on him, but there will be another that you will be able to rely on- and we will be there for you then and now, please know that."

Miroku nods his agreement. "Yes, that's right, Kagome-sama. We will be your friends no matter what." The monk smiles at me. I grin at both of them and we have a huge group hug. Suddenly I yawn. They teasingly smile at me. "Get some sleep, Kagome-sama and you will feel much better in the morning. Tomorrow is another day- and we will be here when you wake up."

I nod. "Ok, I will. I think that I feel somewhat better about all of this." I frown and look down. "I have a ways to go, but," I smile, "I will get through this with the help of my wonderful friends. Thank you so much, guys." I get up and prepare for bed. That night, after our talk, I finally am able to fall fast asleep.

Back to narrated time:

I had only tasted alcohol once or twice before, but in some ways I am glad that it loosened my tongue enough that I could tell them. I needed to tell someone everything and I am grateful that they were there for me, as they continue to be, even now.

One of the hardest things was to admit that I am now the ex-girlfriend, the old flame- someone who only or mostly gets in the way. I used to feel that I could never compete with Kikyo because of the love that she used to share with Inuyasha. Eventually, I found that I did not have to compete, but the situation was still hard on Inuyasha. I cannot help but wonder if this new person feels threatened by me. Just as I feel somewhat betrayed, as I feel like a substitute- so she must be feeling betrayed and hurt as well.

He says that he would never allow anything to happen that would cause me to stop being friends with him, but I wonder how true that statement is. I refuse to be the other woman! Whenever they have a fight, I don't want him to crawl back to me with his tail between his legs and his heart broken for me to fix. He may not understand this, but I don't want to be an obstacle to his happiness. Stupid as I may be, I love him and thus I want him to be happy. In his heart and soul, he, Inuyasha, wants me to be happy too... even if he was being a selfish pain in the… ok enough blaming him and enough anger- it is time to let it go.

As to what will happen to our relationship, all I can do is follow his lead and see how to respond to him. I want to be his friend and he says he wants to be my friend too. Naturally, ex's do not stay close friends, but maybe we will be the exception to the rule. Maybe we will be beat the odds, and win against those who begin to bet against us. After all, he was my first love and that is special- surely it is worth the effort.

Soon, my heart will begin to feel freer and I will move on as I must. I learned so much from him; I treasure our memories, but I will not live in them. I will not be his friend in the past. Most importantly, I will not try to take him to hell with me…

Kikyo, wherever you are, how do you feel about this? First he left you for me, your reincarnation, and now he has left both of us for someone- and he shacked up with her… I thought that I said I would not be angry with him for that anymore. Anyway, I used to be so afraid of Kikyo and what she had shared with him- that there would never be room in Inuyasha's heart for both of us. I wrote off the idea of him being caught between us because Kikyo was dead and because I was her reincarnation… but it seems to have become a disease with him, an affliction- he did it again. He is transient and untrustworthy, more than I had thought. I put too much faith in him.

Maybe I am fool for not wanting to know who she, this new female, is and more about her, but I just did not want to know the answer. I was already shaking inside and… I just was not sure if my emotional barrier was going to pop. When I spoke to him with the calm understanding tone, I partially wanted to make him feel ashamed. I did not want to yell- I did not want to let him know how deeply that he had wounded me. Certainly, I forgive him for what he did although I still believe that he was seriously wrong and even more seriously out of line with regards to his behavior. I even forgive his memory lapses- if they were real or not. Who can really tell? It doesn't really matter to what I will do now.

For now, I will live on and remind myself every day to forgive him… and to forgive myself for not trusting my instincts. I will search for the one who will not wrong me or forget as Inuyasha has done. Honestly, I hope that Inuyasha's happy… and I am happy for him and I will be able to see it, just not yet. Everything happens for a reason and I will not let my jealousy and anger taint me as it did Kikyo. I have wonderful friends and I hope that Inuyasha will always be one of them. Life and love go on and I will not allow everything to pass me by… No, I choose life over survival, because love and trust make the pain worth it. I will remember you, Inuyasha- no matter what you remember… and time and truth march onward.

**This story is dedicated to: God and my Lord Jesus Christ** for helping and supporting me through everything and loving me even when I allowed my focus to sway from You; **JTD**, my first love; **KRH**, my second love; and last but not least, **Erin**, my best friend and roommate who has been there for me like a sister through everything this year and last year.

**Shoutouts:**

Classic Cowboy: Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad that it's interesting and that it came out alright.

Angelstars: Yeah something rather similar happened to me last week. The main difference is that things did not go quite so far between us that night, he was my second love not my first(I was his second love), I spoke to my friend Erin about it in the apartment and I poured myself some vodka with cranberry juice instead of her giving me sake. Those are the main differences. I'm glad that you understand.

IceRayven: It's funny that you say that it has a life of its own- it does kinda feel that way. I am a little sick right now, but I am going to answer your wonderful e-mail.

Please review, everyone!

The End! (ahhhhh! I finished something!)


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